These are two situations that are always present: are we thriving or just surviving. It is very important to understand this with regard to anger management. They come from two different parts of our brain and we are either in one or the other. With regards to surviving that goes back in evolution to the basics of being alive or being dead. So the need to survive automatically produces flight or fight. The latter will be some form of anger.
We move into these states automatically based on unconscious thoughts that say: ” Am I being attacked?”. Now a woman’s biology is focussed on being protected so she can run the family. Thias is biology and it doesn’t change much despite social changes. When a man is attentive she feels protected, when a man is neglectful she doesn’t feel protected, doesn’t feel safe. She will automatically go to survival mode. Often that leads to nagging. The man doesn’t understand why she is like this. He has neglected basic biological wiring in his behaviour.
From the male point of view, we like our egos stroked. If the woman does not show friendly affection we get turned off. Gradually it goes to “She doesn’t care. So why should I care?” then it moves to ” She doesn’t care so screw her” We have gone into survival mode without realizing it. The antipathy is automatic if we are not self aware of what is going on.
Couples fight because they are not ware of what is going on inside of them. It is never th3e other person. The other person may trigger thoughts but is u to us to create options that work rather than attack.