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The Agency Moment


http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/14/opinion/david brooks-the-agency-moment.html?smid=tw-At what point in life does a man move from being dependent on other’s judgments to one where he listens to himself? The men in anger  management programs often have not  reached this place. It is called the agency moment as a person ceases to need another person’s approval and he becomes his own agent. Prior to that point he has been pushed around by life, not being able to cope and constantly looking for others to make him feel OK

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When he reaches that point, the point where he has had enough he can raise his hand and say “No more!” and assert himself for the first time. Without that his dependency leads to disastrous relationships fraught with bitterness and blame.

The probability is that it won’t be a dramatic moment and it may take time to find his feet, but that turning point marks the shift away from feeling like a powerless victim full of self hatred tobeing a little stronger , a little more self confident.

There is no knowing when this will happen, and many it never happens. The phrase “he is not ready” which rightly puts the onus on him and no one else, and it requires accepting that his journey is his journey. It also means that others should steer clear of him as he is toxic and potentially dangerous.

Women stay in these toxic relationships for exactly the same reason, they have not been able or willing to act in their own interest. It takes two to tango, and when one person refuses to dance  the other must either find another luckless partner or face himself and say “No more”

Source: New York Times

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