Resentment is a wound that is carried and re-inflicted daily, a re-living of awfulness. Generally the weaker the level of self esteem the greater will be the wounding. Feeling like a victim trapped in powerlessness. Relationships get into this pattern, the atmosphere is emotionally reactive, power struggles leading to win lose results, making yet another thing to feel resentful about. Things may see-saw from wins/losses and depression. The joy goes out, sex stops and the angry mind is in over drive. People get locked in to a pattern that eventually spirals out of control.
In anger management, as the men move into separation and divorce the fights get more personal and vicious. Some fight occurs and charges are laid, and the man tells his tail as if he were a wronged virgin. The focus is external and obsessive. “She” did this and “she” said that, he wants to enroll support “Can you believe she….”
Part of the resentment process involves coming to terms with one’s own pain. Until the person is able to see the damage they are doing to themselves they have no motivation to alter their script. Like an addiction there is a piece in us that likes to hold grudges, it is so easy and comfortable to go there. As in all grieving we are forced to see our own role in the dialogue. When that happens it is possible to move on. It then becomes another “experience” of life.
So it requires asking “Why do I stay being resentful? What’s my payoff?” and “What is it that I don’t want to deal with?” Then shift from the past to the future.