We see men who have been accused of abusing their partners. So it’s the mans fault. We ask him if he is responsible and he generally says ‘no she made me do it’. What happens if it were the other way round, what happens if the woman is aggressive and does inappropriate things. Ask him the question “Who Is responsible?” would he accept the answer from her to be “He made me do it.” He would say bulls…. Go further and ask him what should she do to take responsibility? He would be very clear she did this then she did that and she should own up to it. Another tactic is to ask him “How would you react if she blamed you the man?” There would be an indignant denial “How could she say that!”
Finally we might ask “What would it mean if she were able to slow down a bit, if she were able to change her behavior? what would be the effect on your relationship, how would you react?” Obviously he would have a feeling of relief and become relaxed. So when phrased in this way the man clearly understands what is going on, he has no problem in dealing with and accepting reality.
It is helpful to point this out as he is quite smart about life when the shoe is on the other foot.