Men ask for solutions in anger management, “What should I do?”, they want to be spoon-fed answers, we answer by saying “What do you think you could do?” They don’t like that but from our perspective we are putting them in the driver’s seat. Focusing on the problem unfortunately keeps the subject locked in to the problem and he has miles away from a solution. The brain’s functioning keeps him with a set of incompatible solutions which means nothing can change, it’s as if he wiring is destined to remain where it is.
Answers occur in stages. It starts with an awareness of the dilemma, then looks to a solution. That may only look like a distant possibility, but it is possible too envision a positive solution. Athletes do that before a race, they imagine themselves winning. The attention is what do I have to do to win. We go into a space where we don’t know the answer. After a fight taking a walk around the block gives usa time to reflect. “What did I do? What did she do? What could I have done?”
The answer comes when we let go of the externals and go into “I don’t know” space. At some point a new awareness emerges that allow all the pieces to come together. That magical ‘A ha’ moment, the brain has mysteriously rewired connections in a different order. It does this automatically. The man has discovered the answer for himself, he has power he has motivation. He knows what to do.
It starts with going into the void and asking “What do I have to do to make this relationship work?” Who knows the answer. But if you never ask you will never know.
Source: Workplace coaching