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SCARF: the essential components for healthy relationships


The brain is wired to be creative, friendly, wise, reasonable and co-operative when it feels safe .When it doesn’t all those positive attributes disappear as it goes into survival mode. When there is danger , real or otherwise, it has no interest in anything else but its own survival. That is the wiring, it is a given. Men in anger management need to understand about what is and is not negotiable. These ideas were drawn up for businesses to thrive, however the same rules apply in the kitchen and the bedroom

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S  is for status, where does the individual stand? Is  she respected or not respected.

C is for certainty, how predictable is the environment or is it chaotic?

A Is for autonomy, the need to have freedom and not be micro managed or controlled

R is for the level of relatedness. Is the conversation about ‘We’ or “Us” or is it “Me” v “You”?

F is for fairness. Are  the workload tasks fair and reasonable or too one sided?

When there is friction one or more of these components are missing. It is futile to blame the other when something is missing. In all of these components good vibes will lead to friendly and creative results. When one is missing the brain will perceive that is not in a safe environment. A smart man knows when his partner is unhappy, and what is missing. Often when asked men have no clue as to where his partner is coming from, no idea why there is unhappiness. That’s the  problem and he needs to get curious about what is happening and why. When she knows he cares she will get friendly.

Source: David Rock

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