When men manipulate their description as to how they feel they often shoot themselves in the foot. A key component in anger management is the ability to express exactly how one feels. The behavior must be explicit. Not “You are always late” but “When we had agreed you would be there at nine a ‘clock and you didn’t come until ten thirty….” That is very clear message describing the behaviuor .There is no judgment, no exaggeration.
“I felt…. irritated, disrespected, dumfounded, terrible….” Using only one word or short phrase to describe the feeling. The description should reflect the level of the feeling. Often people exaggerate their feelings and it does them no good. The other person will get into an argument about these feelings and the point will get lost. Or if they undervalue the feelings then the message is ineffective. If the feeling is ‘rage’ and the word ‘irritated’ is used then it does not really convey what was going on. The speaker loses some authenticity and it has to be asked why would they want to minimise their feelings? In some ways it diminishes their authority or self respect. A look at how they first felt when the person was late is where the truth is as this is an instant recognition of what is going on inside oneself.
This all part of becoming self aware. The more we become clear on what is really going on and we can say it clearly the more we respect ourselves. At the same time being clear about the negative emotions allows us to express positive emotions genuinely.