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Losing strategies: Needing to control


One of the banes women have about men is the need to control. Historically it may have worked as he was the breadwinner and his rule was law. Now ?  … well. Firstly in order to understand her resistance the man needs to look at his own feelings when he feels she is trying to control him. He doesn’t like it. “She has no right to tell me what to do. F….her!” It’s visceral, an unnatural act.

Ask her how she feels when she senses his control and you will get an earful, she will get angry as she thinks you think she doesn’t know  anything. It would be like living with an angry cop or a  ‘know it all’

 174 bossy husband

 

 

 

 

 

The need to control is based on our naïve expectation that the relationship is their to fulfill our unmet needs as a children. So we pick her to do what our mum’s didn’t do. Dumb words like “You should …..” get our backs up. The controlling person is always talking with “You” in mind rather than with “I” in mind. Our need for control implies how much work needs to be done on the self . Surprisingly when we have worked on ourselves the need to control does evaporate.

The exercise is whenever she does something that bothers ask yourself why are you so upset? What unmet need does this imply, where did that come  from and what has to be done about that today. When all the questions about oneself have been  answered then it is possible to look at your partner more constructively and decide what you need.

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