A person’s emotional intelligence (EQ) can be measured and there is a consistent lack of high EQ with domestic abusers. The low scores occur in assertiveness as these men have difficulty expressing their feelings and needs, low self regard which implies low self esteem, low self actualization meaning they cannot reflect what they want , what’s going on inside and outside themselves. They are very sensitive to criticism and feel powerless and therefore develop a phony control over others to mask their inadequacies. They are not happy and they lack empathy with others.
This a fairly bleak combination. “Emotional poverty” is their experience, accompanied by chronic anxiety. Often they have few friends and their only contact is with their partners who live with their frustrations. The partners get dumped on as they are their only outlet.
The good news is that the brain has what is called plasticity which means it can change as thought processes change. Anger management requires looking at these deficits and vulnerabilities and develop new strengths and skills so they can live constructively wit themselves and with their partners.
Unfortunately clients are in full denial of their issues and want to blame all their misfortunes on their significant other. Until they can acknowledges what is wrong they are contained in a wall of defensiveness, and their EQ will stay pitifully low.
